M's Prospective Girlfriend

M chose a restaurant in Islington. A good one.

As cover I took my PA, who found the whole escapade great fun. It's a terrible thing to say, but I realised I hadn't ever spoken to her in depth before. Over duck terrine and salmon risotto, she revealed all kinds of interesting things about herself and her aspirations, and I was thoroughly enjoying the conversation - to the extent that I forgot briefly why we were there. It turns out she has an ambition to become a concert pianist. Unlike to happen at this stage in life, I fear, but it's nice to think of that talent lying just beneath the surface.

Then M arrived, and my goodness, his girlfriend-to-be was an attractive young lady. They were led more or less straight past us, and M had to feign great interest in some colourful prints on the wall to avoid seeing me so early on in the proceedings. He wanted time for her to get settled before judgement commenced.

In due course he "noticed" me and came galloping over, red-faced, to act out his delight. I rose, introduced him to my PA, then in turn was introduced to the gf-to-be.

'How do you know M?' she immediately asked, and although we'd rehearsed this one I still found it remarkably difficult to reel off the line about family friends. I'm a terrible liar/actor. It didn't help that M was growing redder by the second.

We talked about this and that - the weather mostly, I fear, and a Gorky play at the National. Gf-to-be revealed very little, but did it charmingly and with buckets of respect for my advanced age. Her teeth were her great asset, glowing magnificently when she smiled. Which she did most of the time.

Somewhat blinded, I made my excuses and got back to dessert and tales of piano recitals in the suburbs. The bill, when it came, bore the grand total of NIL.

Three hours later, M rang me.

'Nothing to worry about,' I assured him. 'She's absolutely lovely.'

'She is, isn't she?' he said, gratitude flooding the line.

'She really is,' I affirmed.

And that's why there's no point telling him she's going to take him for a small fortune.